GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
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Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Received some very disappointing news today
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
you have three unread messages
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?