accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
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bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
me and the Superbowl rn
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies