GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
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A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
time for some seasonal decor
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.