Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
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THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
No. YOU-buprofen.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Me :
All Day At Night
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night