Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
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In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing