Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
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i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.