My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
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There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.