Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
You Might Also Like
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
How did we not see this back then?
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.