Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
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All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Happy Thanksgiving
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Perfect
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!