Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
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When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
that lip filler tho
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.