GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
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Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop