Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
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me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
welp
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.