[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
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Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Friday
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.