Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
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I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
New menu item
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber