Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
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If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.