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Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon