No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
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Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.