My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
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Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Seems legit
Discuss
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*