Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
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Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I think my mom just blocked me
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
my mom making me talk to relatives
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.