gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
You Might Also Like
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
new record!
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops