*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
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[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
God has left this place
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode