Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
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DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts