[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
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I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow