someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
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It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
what do you want!!!!!!!!
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
I feel seen
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.