Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
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Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.