Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
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My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I hate my earbuds.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.