Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
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I once had a tweet go bacterial.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*