Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
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if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
sistine chapel
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I put the p in pants.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.