Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
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I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
guys I’m going home
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*