My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
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People buying plungers never look happy.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Self-cleaning conscience
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.