Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
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The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I’m not wrong
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.