Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
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If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
The real reason evolution started..😂
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!