Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
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Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
time for some seasonal decor
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it