Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
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Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I self medicate, therefore you live.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.