Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
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Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight