non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
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“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
*praying for world peace*
God:
Thinking about Jeff
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off