[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
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Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie