Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
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“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]