Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
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Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I identify as an antique shop.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape