@AndyAsAdjective: Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you're rubbing me the wrong way.
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@GoldenSpirals: Walks up in da club like "Has anyone seen my Mom? She'll be the one trying to cover up everyone's cleavage."
@AdamBroud: *Sees ant carrying a leaf that weighs 3x its body weight* Wife: Can you imagine being that strong? Me: *Picking up leaf* Yes.
@kevnasto: I just called up the phone company and put em on hold. Every 5min i come on an tell them how important their business is to me. Please hold.
@007Pepe_Rex: Relationship status: I ran out of toilet paper a week ago. Update: I am now running out of paper towels.