Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
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T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.