Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
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The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first