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@weinerdog4life: Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
@WilliamAder: Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
@SteveSuckington: Fun prank:
1: steal your married friends phone
2: change your name to "Brandi from the club"
3: call them repeatedly and hang up at 3AM
@Adar79Angie: I'm still waiting for my knight in shining sarcasm.
@BigBagOfScum: My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it's cause I'm afraid she might try to poison me.
@clarkekant: Soft on Wall Street. Hard on Sesame Street. Romney 2012.