Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
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– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.