Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
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My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I forgot how to panic. Help
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
the icebreaker
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.