Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
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[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
My Sentiments Exactly
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
A ghost story
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded