Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
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If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.