At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
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After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920