[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
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Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.