“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
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*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
look at me when i’m typing to you
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.