GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
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Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
two people or more is called a problem
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea